I watch old
videos of the days leading up to his passing, read the blog entries, look at
photographs, and type journal entries recounting the days, and event. How tired,
worn, and frail he had become. I ask
myself, how come I didn’t help him along sooner? What prevented me from saving
him from entering that phase of life? He
looks so drawn out, and tired. Still,
I get the same answer, “I don’t know, I don’t know”. It’s not a matter of did I
do the right or wrong thing. There was something there I cannot identify which
prevented me from doing so. It’s
perplexing in away. It’s hard to see him
so withered and old. The closest I have come to answering those questions was when
I dropped him off at the crematory, and saw him lay on that alter. There was completeness, a sense I did right
by his soul by letting him go on his own.
A sense we did right by each other.
It was a fleeting and subtle sense of … THIS is what it’s all
about. Even though Willow and I lived a
full life together from conception, birth, old age, and death, it was somehow
different with Nash. There wasn’t the
anxiety and stress in the end. We had faced that and found peace. We simply
coasted to the shores of that life beyond.
11/27 2015 - watching the birth of his grandpups
The girls and I have had a good week, a week of
adjustments. His space, his Time, is filling
in like sand. Still I linger; I like to be still throughout the day to
feel him. He still speaks to me, and I am able to still hear him. I want to
listen undisturbed while I still can.
He was so, so, so
special. The kind of special where you know it at the time you’re experiencing
something special. I had that with Willow, too. There was no need to even stop
to think about how special he was, because you knew it. I knew it. It became a part of our being. You
recognize every moment that is extra special and appreciate it, but when it’s
gone, when all of that is gone, you are
left feeling as if you just experienced the most intimate, and profound thing life
could offer, its fullness and in depth. I struggle to find the words, there are
none.
Maine - August, 2016
Ma calls from Baja, Mexico.
She’s been in touch throughout. In fact,
I was in midst of texting her when Nash began his agonal breathing; when his body
began to completely shut down. I explained the above to her. The following is
our conversation…
Ma and Nash - 11/27/2015 watching Willow Sunshine deliver Nash's grandpups
Ma: I Wonder if you had
experience a moment of eternity in those moments. In Those moments where it seemed like where
the best life had to offer. That’s what
it is to be here on earth. You were so
present. You weren’t off and running around cogitating about everything, that
you were so with him. And present. That is what’s possible in life, and most of
the time you/we are not.
Me: And that is how
dogs live. They live in the moment. Not that they don’t experience missing or
loss, which are things of the past.
Ma: I think the
difference is you are aware you are living in the moment. And they are just
living in the moment, and you know the difference when you are not living in
the moment, and when you are. It
affected a lot of people.
Me: I was anxious with willow in the end, and overcame
that with Nash, which allowed me to be present with Nash. That’s
why I keep saying he was willow’s greatest gift to me. Not just his ending, but
his entire life, and not that it was conscious a thing on her part. It's not as if
she said – oh, I am going to give MG this, so she can be present during a
death.
We both chuckle.
Me: There was more sadness
and loss with willow, because there was that soul connection. I am sad; I miss
him,I miss him beyond explanation, but I not crying as much. I think because it was so total. There was a
sense of completeness. Perhaps a sense that I did right by his soul,
listening to my gut, and ignoring social pressure, which is what Wendy said,
and that makes sense. And it’s a whole end of an era. Willow Sunshine, Tibby and Damon are the only
ones to carry it on; Along with Grace, Halo and Chase.
Nash was just a special
boy. He was a surprise. I was going to
keep a girl out of Willow. Nash had such a hard birth, part of me wanted to
keep connected with him, he was kind of silly and goofy, and none of the girls
were speaking to me. He’s the one who spoke to me. I never thought I would keep a boy. But, now
I miss having a boy around. I did pretty well; he never got anyone in the house
pregnant. Believe it or not he would sleep with us when the girls were in heat.
At some point I had to kick the girls out. He would lose his mind. Bark and
bark and bark, and go horse. He LOVED his girls.
It was interesting, once he stopped eating,
and drinking he let go, and he was gone - was gone in four days. I think he started way before that, letting
go. Like ten days before where he had another episode where he lost his color,
and I thought I should help him on, but he seemed to rally and he still seemed
like he wanted to be here, because he wanted to eat, even when he wasn’t
feeling good. He had his Joy in life still.
2016 - Nash with his Girls
Something intimate and
special happened in those final days, and moment of his passing. Not all pet owners get to experience. Each passing
is an individual and special treasure. Similar to birth, but birth is way more happy,
and joyful, and rich with potential of experiencing a new journey together.We simply sealed the envelope together. I miss my special, amazing, boy.
Maine 2016
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