Caccha's Labradors: November 2017

It's subtle - There are little things she does. She will hang her head and cuddle into my neck, making the snorffling sound she always makes. Usually in the morning or when we go to bed. Always affectionate, but this is different. It's new behavior, not really new, but more frequent, the wanting of a closeness I saw her share with Nash, her sweetheart. I think there IS a part of her who misses him, too. As do the other girls. The other night Grace was sniffing his dog bed where he lay on his final hour, she then gently curled up and lay on his spot. I know I posted these photos before from April 21st, 2017, but they seem to have more significance now. There is something about they way they lie with their backs touching. Endearing.

I watch old videos of the days leading up to his passing, read the blog entries, look at photographs, and type journal entries recounting the days, and event. How tired, worn, and frail he had become. I ask myself, how come I didn’t help him along sooner? What prevented me from saving him from entering that phase of life? He looks so drawn out, and tired. Still, I get the same answer, “I don’t know, I don’t know”. It’s not a matter of did I do the right or wrong thing. There was something there I cannot identify which prevented me from doing so. It’s perplexing in away. It’s hard to see him so withered and old. The closest I have come to answering those questions was when I dropped him off at the crematory, and saw him lay on that alter. There was completeness, a sense I did right by his soul by letting him go on his own. A sense we did right by each other. It was a fleeting and subtle sense of … THIS is what it’s all about. Even though Willow and I lived a full life together from conception, birth, old age, and death, it was somehow different with Nash. There wasn’t the anxiety and stress in the end. We had faced that and found peace. We simply coasted to the shores of that life beyond.

11/27 2015 - watching the birth of his grandpups

The girls and I have had a good week, a week of adjustments. His space, his Time, is filling in like sand. Still I linger; I like to be still throughout the day to feel him. He still speaks to me, and I am able to still hear him. I want to listen undisturbed while I still can.

He was so, so, so special. The kind of special where you know it at the time you’re experiencing something special. I had that with Willow, too. There was no need to even stop to think about how special he was, because you knew it. I knew it. It became a part of our being. You recognize every moment that is extra special and appreciate it, but when it’s gone, when all of that is gone, you are left feeling as if you just experienced the most intimate, and profound thing life could offer, its fullness and in depth. I struggle to find the words, there are none.

Maine - August, 2016

Ma calls from Baja, Mexico. She’s been in touch throughout. In fact, I was in midst of texting her when Nash began his agonal breathing; when his body began to completely shut down. I explained the above to her. The following is our conversation…

Ma and Nash - 11/27/2015 watching Willow Sunshine deliver Nash's grandpups

Ma: I Wonder if you had experience a moment of eternity in those moments. In Those moments where it seemed like where the best life had to offer. That’s what it is to be here on earth. You were so present. You weren’t off and running around cogitating about everything, that you were so with him. And present. That is what’s possible in life, and most of the time you/we are not.

Me: And that is how dogs live. They live in the moment. Not that they don’t experience missing or loss, which are things of the past.

Ma: I think the difference is you are aware you are living in the moment. And they are just living in the moment, and you know the difference when you are not living in the moment, and when you are. It affected a lot of people.

Me: I was anxious with willow in the end, and overcame that with Nash, which allowed me to be present with Nash. That’s why I keep saying he was willow’s greatest gift to me. Not just his ending, but his entire life, and not that it was conscious a thing on her part. It's not as if she said – oh, I am going to give MG this, so she can be present during a death.

We both chuckle.

Me: There was more sadness and loss with willow, because there was that soul connection. I am sad; I miss him,I miss him beyond explanation, but I not crying as much. I think because it was so total. There was a sense of completeness. Perhaps a sense that I did right by his soul, listening to my gut, and ignoring social pressure, which is what Wendy said, and that makes sense. And it’s a whole end of an era. Willow Sunshine, Tibby and Damon are the only ones to carry it on; Along with Grace, Halo and Chase.

Nash was just a special boy. He was a surprise. I was going to keep a girl out of Willow. Nash had such a hard birth, part of me wanted to keep connected with him, he was kind of silly and goofy, and none of the girls were speaking to me. He’s the one who spoke to me. I never thought I would keep a boy. But, now I miss having a boy around. I did pretty well; he never got anyone in the house pregnant. Believe it or not he would sleep with us when the girls were in heat. At some point I had to kick the girls out. He would lose his mind. Bark and bark and bark, and go horse. He LOVED his girls.

It was interesting, once he stopped eating, and drinking he let go, and he was gone - was gone in four days. I think he started way before that, letting go. Like ten days before where he had another episode where he lost his color, and I thought I should help him on, but he seemed to rally and he still seemed like he wanted to be here, because he wanted to eat, even when he wasn’t feeling good. He had his Joy in life still.

2016 - Nash with his Girls

Something intimate and special happened in those final days, and moment of his passing. Not all pet owners get to experience. Each passing is an individual and special treasure. Similar to birth, but birth is way more happy, and joyful, and rich with potential of experiencing a new journey together.We simply sealed the envelope together. I miss my special, amazing, boy.